Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
You Might Also Like
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.