i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
You Might Also Like
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book