Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I saw nothing
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Lmao
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My patience has stretch marks.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.