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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
wut hotdog?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”