Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.