NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
set yourself free xox
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing