Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
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Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Okay, I’m still confused…
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.