My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.