The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Best spot.. 😅
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat