Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before