Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Terribly Tuesday.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen