Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.