The government even made aliens boring
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Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person