“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
That 👊
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.