Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.