@CandyEmpires
@PeychoKanev The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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@PeychoKanev 
@scorpiusryan21 Squirrels before girls.
@s_cLaN07 My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
@shutupmikeginn applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
@smiles_and_nods Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
@JimmerThatisAll She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
@JackalAnon So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
@slimmy_shady You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
@adamgreattweet bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
@SlabBaconBP Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”