Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.


*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]


🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge


2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.


He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.


My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.


My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?


Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.