@CandyEmpires

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

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@PeychoKanev

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@s_cLaN07

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

@shutupmikeginn

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

@smiles_and_nods

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

@JackalAnon

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

@slimmy_shady

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.