@CandyEmpires

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

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@InThaBurbs

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

@mommajessiec

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

@deloisivete

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@mostunladylike

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

@Marlebean

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

@jctwritesstuff

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.