The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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Squirrels before girls.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”