The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S