Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
wtf is a larm clock?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
the three branches of government
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.