Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.