Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken