Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
You Might Also Like
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.