Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
couldn’t resist
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!