The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
You Might Also Like
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
your elf on the shelf was delicious
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Introverted vegans go meetless
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.