@MoistPork

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@caliluvgirl77

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@dire_beard

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@KarenReneK

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@slimmy_shady

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

@chuuew

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already