I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
being a writer on Twitter:
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”