My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…