I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.


I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing


coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful


My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.


Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before


Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol


Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.


Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.


[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already