mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My blood type is b hungry.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight