Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
How about daylight saves us for once
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.