me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Golf would be better with landmines.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice