Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Bro what is this
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that