@Shut_up_Marissa

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

@T_Bonezzz_

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

@Probgoblin

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@Kendragarden

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@meganamram

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

@iamkevinito

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.