I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
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My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.