once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.