kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.