[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever