I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My blood type is b hungry.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”