Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.