Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My typo game is string.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?