I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.