Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
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I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.