me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour