it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
For anyone who needs this today
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,