At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016