Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.