SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
moms in horror movies
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.