I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them