Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”