@SkinnerSteven

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

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@Tbone7219

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@DirtMcTurd

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

@introvertedwife

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

@fillthevacuum

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

@justabloodygame

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

@AndyAsAdjective

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

@HlaoRoo

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

@jamespianka

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.