Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.