Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
That’s classic.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.