abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..