Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
You Might Also Like
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.