Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.