A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
goldfish mafia
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.