Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.