“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.


Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever


Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL


A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.


Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.


I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.


ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u


If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.