“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop