I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
superman landing like a plane on his belly
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no